But just for shits, let’s talk a little bit about the exact case of insecurity I’ve got. The first thing is house insecurity. Literally. I have a terrible time remembering to lock every single thing. There are a lot of things to lock! And if there are people around, I’m trying to remember the locks, plus chat with my guests, plus maybe deal with some cooking of some kind… which has its own list of things to remember… it makes a girl really nervous. Or upset with herself when she discovers how many things actually were unlocked when they should have been. I get pretty damn mad at myself sometimes.

Then there’s logistical insecurity. This one is a little more subtle, but it boils down to being distractable and nervous if the plan is not totally clear in any given social situation. If there are big secrets to be held, or if there are major changes to the general plan that happen, I get a little edgy. But the worst is when something I don’t like happens and I have no exit. A joy of couple-hood is that you usually can back out of anything, and if you can’t, you at least have each other while the unpleasantness unfolds.

In this examination, there’s one more insecurity I want to talk about – of course there are more, would I be human if there weren’t? But right now this is what I can remember. That’s just a little more subtle even than the other two. I don’t even know what to call it, but: I get really sad and desperate when the people I’m hanging out with, or getting to know, turn out to have traits that in a perfect world, would be deal breakers. But when you’re single, you’re less inclined to reject out of hand folks that you get along with mostly, because you don’t want to be alone. And the insecurity gets more involved when you think: Well if I am too judgemental, I’ll never meet cool folks, because everyone has flaws. Or: There are no people out there that I can like! Everyone is this (insert unappealing behaviour here) And I will be forced to live my entire life surrounded by people who secretly annoy me!

Of course this last issue is silly, overblown and unrealistic. What true insecurity isn’t?

Last night I had dinner with M. It was the first time we had seen each other in 3 weeks or so. Very very nice to see her! Very nice to finally what I’ve come to consider a “real” conversation. One where we can be calm, talk about real issues, listen to each other at length if need be, get right down to the interesting stuff.

We ate at a lovely little spot outside, which is one of our favorite things, and got some very cold pink wine, another joy. We had delicious food, and looked at each other a lot.

I was surprised that I didn’t have a physical reaction to seeing her, I expected to be overwhelmed by something. But not really. Then as we spent some time together, I was more and more interested in being close to her, giving her a hug, trying not to hold her hand. I kissed her forehead a lot. She looks great.

Then I dropped her off at her place, and it got really hard. I was thinking about all the times she had written or called feeling terrible, or how she says she’s in a fog a lot lately, or how moving was so exhausting for her, and how at all those times I couldn’t be there to give her a hug, or lie down with her and help her get to sleep, or kiss her little eyelids and tell her I love her. And how she wasn’t there when I needed her, too. And how weird it was to see her little back go into a door at the end of an evening, instead of taking her home with me. That was the first time for that, and it kinda killed me. I cried all the way home.

I have that knot in my throat that my acupuncturists call the plum pit.

It makes me burp a lot. Or maybe the burps come from acid stomach. Whatever, it sucks.

All I want to do is be alone right now.

And of course, practically on the hour, I’m getting phone calls asking me to do stuff. I can’t even keep track of it anymore. People who I think are cool, people who aren’t, the mix.

And I’m having to turn stuff down, which makes me feel bad. But then I wonder when the fuck I’m going to finally get around to all the things I’ve been wanting to do for so long. And when will I just get some goddamn alone time? Every time the phone rings, I cringe, because I know it’s some well wisher trying to help out, and all i want to do is be quiet and deal with my shit.

I know people are trying to show me the love, which is really special, and I honestly love the attention, it makes me feel great! But I’m feeling a little strangled. Not by any one person, but by the wave of people. On Friday, I literally could not work because so many people called me. I got one about someone coming to visit, two invitations to Artscape, one from J about his visit, a call from K about her house, a call with someone about dinner on Sunday night, and incessant emails from Z and R about Saturday night planning. Then I skyped with M off and on all day. PLUS there were clients and printers calling!

So then I went to Artscape, and messed around with K’s booth, and of course our close friends are there. They are all not sure how to deal with me. Everyone is giving me a searching look, and then looking a little confused when I’m cheerful. A couple people didn’t know about the breakup yet, so that was also awkward. Sometimes I feel like I’m dropping a big old stink bomb, or telling someone that their dog is dead. And of course, there’s the requisite: “let’s get together, have a drink,” or “If you’re bored, you know you can just call me.” Seriously, I am never ever bored. I would enjoy being bored a little. If I grabbed a drink with everyone who offered that, I’d never stop drinking. And seriously, I’d rather be reading or sewing or swimming. Not talking. Sometimes I cynically think I should just send out a press release to save me from having to say things over and over and over again. Or even better, I wish I could tell everyone to leave me the heck alone for a little while without hurting anyone’s feelings.

In direct contrast to that feeling, I had a great convo with L+D. They wanted to really get down and chat about everything, which was lovely, I really enjoyed it because I felt like they actually wanted to hear, and since they had long since gotten the cliffs notes version, I could tell them something deeper. They are looking to buy a house, and want to do a veggie garden in the yard that we can all help with and enjoy. I love that idea, it would be amazing to actually make it happen. The end of the day glass of wine in the garden would be so sweet!

Anyway, then J finally shows up around 10:30 and I spend an exhausting end of the evening in a ridiculous bar downtown, trying to be diplomatic about how much I hated the location. His friends are great tho- B and I made fun of all the drunks and the fact that they loved a bar where you couldn’t hear anyone, and teased J about his ego. Of course J kicked ass in pool so made us both somewhat impressed that his rhetoric actually matched his delivery. (Note: J if you’re reading this, you’re making me very self conscious!)

This morning I went to the market, but of course I had to have Z’s company. He’s not bad, but a little early and when I was feeling really quiet and slow. Then the minute I manage to get him to go home so I can do laundry and start to get that horrible dust smell out of the house, Mary calls to see if I want to do lunch. And she finishes the call with a “see, now I’ve done it, I’ve reached out, now you have to do that with me.” That was a little too much pressure there, after all the other people’s well wishings, etc.

So, in the meantime, every thing around the house is harder, because now I have to do it all, and there’s no one to talk it over with. No one to plan the schedule and prioritize the list with. It’s all in my head and I forget things and then take way longer to do the things I do end up doing… And when I just try to pick up and straighten things, that seems to take up all my time. I’m always seeing something out of place. And then I forget something crucial like- LOCKING THE FRONT GODDAMN DOOR, OR THE CAR. And then I’m mad at myself.

J, if you’ve read this and you’ve gotten this far, god love ya. Because this is probably really boring. It’s stream of consciousness and it’s about as un-edited as it gets.

I just called M bawling my damn eyes out, and goddamn it if she didn’t manage to stop me from crying and then get me to laugh in about 3 minutes flat.

I do love that girl, I really do.

Everything is just so fucking up in the air now, we’re still co-dependent, neither one of us has an identity without the other yet. Maybe that’s the source of this discomfort, this plum pit.

Okay it’s 2am. I’m going to sleep.

You’re safe in your snobbery. The other person you’re in a couple with is your judgement safe zone, and you can know that most of the things you say will be cool, and you know you’ll have the time to explain yourself if they’re not. And when other people do stuff you don’t like, you can hash it out with your partner afterward, chew it over and think it through without having to put a polite filter on it. And then you come up with a strategy to deal with it and that’s dealt with. Other people just see the end result and think you’re reading each other’s minds. Or that you’re both snobs. And you don’t have to care because you have each other.

It’s weird but it’s also like a small M vacation in a way… it’s not feeling real yet.

Today she skyped me and was crying. Lonely, sad about what we’ve done. Her brother broke up with his boyfriend too this week, and they were commiserating. I felt bad… but also… like I wanted her to not bother me. Sounds terrible, but… I just think that all this talking is getting a little excessive. And hurting us a little more than necessary. It took us 6 long months to actually go ahead and break up, and now we’re on the phone or skyping for hours each day.

I don’t really think I know how I want things to be, actually. I mean, if she was not around, I would be a lot more lonely. The world is just so quiet without her in it. And that’s both a good thing and a bad thing. Or I could say its both a good thing and a sad thing.

I’m definitely worried that I’m going to start seeing the world like I used to: A world of couples, with me floating on the outside waiting for my life to begin. I was so freaked out by this depressing idea for awhile that I couldn’t go grocery shopping by myself, it made me too sad.

Jeez. What a mess I used to be.

Sarah, my acupuncturist, says that I can’t revert, that’s not how the process of time works. You gather experiences, and you can’t just shed them when they’re not relevant/current/active/whatever anymore.

This is what I would like to believe, but I also have this idea about neural pathways being like actual pathways… the more you use them, the deeper the groove, and the tougher it becomes to think along new pathways. So people who have a tendency towards depression tend to have rougher and rougher depressions, not easier ones. Since you fall back into your old patterns.

Now- I know this is not me right now. I am pretty damn good right now. I’m cheerful mostly, I’m healthy mostly, and I am still pretty social.

But I worry, you know?

What if someone does something mean to me, and I think it’s because I deserve it?

What if I do something really dumb- it wouldn’t be the first time- and I start to think I’m a dumb shit again?

What if I do something just lame… a lot of lame things in a row….. and start to think I’m a social retard again?

M can help me from afar a little bit, I guess. She’ll keep me from going too far off the deep end.

I’m still scared.

I’m even afraid of my own boredom or loneliness. It makes me do desperate things. I hate myself desperate. Not not not cool calm and collected. Try harried, nervous and not funny.

I mean, I guess, that for years I could hide behind M if I was harried nervous or not funny. I could just watch and let her talk. Or if I was feeling good, I could jump on in. If one of us was off their game, we could just go home- the couple who wants to be alone.

Now I’m going to have to be the single who wants to be alone. I’m going to have to be confident and strong enough to sense BS on my own and leave if I’m not happy or uncomfortable or feel sleepy or whatever. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

I have piles of things I want to do now that I can, and I’m just hoping that those things are going to be the saving grace, the floater I hold onto to keep my confidence buoyed, and ride on until I can find the life I’ve been creating in my head.

Tired, off to read myself to sleep,

at a wine bar in pike place in a sweet little alley near Pike Place Market in Seattle, and a dump truck has parked itself right next to me, fangs out!

Waiting for the wifi to get itself together,  making an entry here while I sip a lovely local Rosé. Smoking a vacation cigarette.

just spoke to M, so I don’t miss her too much- the personal time is pretty lovely actually. When this dump truck finishes its business, I’ll be even happier.

Thrilled to be away from the constant comments about how expensive everything is! Mom and Sis live in a totally different world than I am used to!

Trying to find myself a hotel for the night- I hope it’s not too difficult. If this wifi keeps being so slow I’ll have to move on.

There’s something intimate about typing diary entries that doesn’t happen when I write by hand… almost like typing is less pathetic… maybe I’m just used to having typed messages read all the time by others… emails and such.

Ach! The dump truck is loud.

I love sitting here looking for gay people to admire. Ladies are looking quite interesting to me these days. I can’t imagine who my next partner will be, but I like the fantasies.

I have to add a little to the personal I wrote the other night:

Looking for:

Likes: Art and Reading.
Dislikes: Arguments unless they’re necessary.

Just now I’ve met a girl who gave me her email: xxxxxx@ooo.com. She gave me my bearings on the map, and she thought I was trying to pick her up. How cute! I liked overhearing her conversation, for sure, she was salty.

Got to get going, there is a lot to see! I’ve decided on Fremont, a neighborhood who’s motto is “Freedom to be Strange” Can’t wait!

Me:

Brown Eyes, Asymmetrical Hair, 5’1, physically fit but breasts won’t shrink no matter what I do.

Likes:
Travel. Lots and often. Exploring every alleyway and interesting architectural form. Exploring the food of a new city, the shops, the public transport. Discussing city planning. Fearless exploration.
Food: Fearless exploration, and also, talking about it, trying new types, new wine, grilling, street food, back alley restaurants, farmer’s markets, growing veggies, baking, making yoghurt, the works.
Gardening: I’m just learning but love walking around the garden in the morning and puttering, and coming home to it after work to water it, sit in it and have a glass of wine.
Sewing: Just learning, but it’s great to try new mediums to stretch my creativity. Besides, I like being able to make and fix my clothes.
Reading: Fiction mostly. Books are my favorite escape. Essays and light popular non-fiction are possible, but heavy non-fiction puts me right to sleep. I wish it didn’t!
Swimming! Any kind.
Drawing: That’s what I do for a living
Home decorating: Goes along with my love for art and form.
Sunlight!
Being Silly Often.
Music! All kinds.
Clothes, shoes, fashion.
Recycling, using less gas more leg power, safe cleaning, bringing your own bag, the works.
Little dogs
Yoga
Politics. I’m a liberal, can you tell?

Dislikes:
Non-communication: My #1 peeve. I believe if you just say what you’re thinking in a calm way, most people can hear it and deal with it at face value. Not talking just leads to annoying 3′s Company style nonsense.
Same Same Samey-ness!
Beige on Beige. Can’t stand it.
Crabbiness. We all do it, especially when we’re hungry, but I wish everyone including myself, could keep it to a minimum.
Cats
Republican ideological fanatics. Pro-lifers with underhanded tactics, warmongers.

Is looking for:
Woman or Man, must be cute in their own way.
30′s.
I want a partner in adventure, someone who wants to accompany me in local as well as exotic adventures. I would like to meet someone who can appreciate the small and delicious little moments, as well as large dramatic ones.

LTR is the goal eventually, hopefully, but not only. Fun can come in whatever form.

Kids: Some day, yes.
Dogs: I want a little one.
Smoking: No.
Drinking: Recreationally, mostly for taste, not to get drunk.
Drugs: Never
Bedtime: Midnight
Wake time: 8:30 or 9am

She knows how to order, she knows how to drink. She will have fun with me and I don’t have to teach her how to do it.

She wants to explore a new city and look into the restaurants around. She’ll wait to find the best place, even if she’s hungry, because she understands that it’s best to put only good food into her stomach, not just any food.

She’ll spend $ on good food.

It’s only been a few days and I’m already nostalgic. This is just silly.

Being with my family is like reverting to way way way before I even met M, so I should remember that. Mom’s most exotic restaurant experience is Chinese in West Brookfield. And that place sucks.

I’ll be back in Bmore soon and back with normal folks who know how to order at a restaurant, and I won’t feel so off-kilter.

Today I had the unfortunate choice of two mall restaurants to eat. We were starving, the journey to get there had been long and trying. My Mother and Sister had been up since 3am and hadn’t really had a meal yet. To them it was 5pm EST.

And when one of the restaurants turned out to have garish pictures of food in their display, it immediately gave me the clue: We needed to choose the other restaurant. I explained that any place with pictures of food is going to suck- it’s a dead giveaway. I was met with expressions of mockery and disbelief.

And I was faced with the sad reality: I will probably have to explain that one to most people now, will have to deal with the reflection of myself in their eyes as a snob. What a bummer. And how boring.

Chloe put time and effort in crossing the street to take a picture of the giant fibreglass Chinese horse in front of PF Chang’s today. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that they probably have 40 of those horses scattered all over the country, one for every half-assed hamlet with a mall and a sprawl.

See, I am a snob. Totally. And being in a couple for the last few years has really encouraged this. The royal WE has justified all number of condemnations, avoidances and snarky comments.

Of course it’s lead to some great shit too. Never having to explain (as if you should have to) why it’s a bad idea to get main meals from convenient stores is one. Experiencing amazing hotels, killer little restaurants tucked away from crowds of ignorant tourists, neighborhoods that harbor sweet vistas and crazy vernacular architecture, and other lofty pursuits is another.

Being a snob has caused me to choose the house I live in, the books I read, the tv I watch, the technology I use. I refuse to wear certain things for reasons some might consider snobbish.

So I like being a snob. I like it. I chose it after all, every last shred. And I liked having a partner in snobbery. The snob shorthand is so useful. Since there has been a previous discussion about said offending article, the subtext is there in your voice or a shared look. The garish food photos! Ack! Let’s go to the other one.

Of course I don’t think I’ll give it up. Partner or no. Once you can tell that a muffin is fat laden, that the lighting is all wrong, or that (worst sin of all) the graphic design is atrocious, you never go back. I just hope that I can come to some resolution in balancing my joy of judgement with my desire to be kind. I won’t tell my sister that her shoes are hopelessly outdated, and I should have never told my Mom her house was too dirty. Some things will just need to stay inside. Or here. Where they’re safe from hurting someone.