Plum Pit

So for some reason I’m getting really anxious, or tense or something in the last two days.

I have that knot in my throat that my acupuncturists call the plum pit.

It makes me burp a lot. Or maybe the burps come from acid stomach. Whatever, it sucks.

All I want to do is be alone right now.

And of course, practically on the hour, I’m getting phone calls asking me to do stuff. I can’t even keep track of it anymore. People who I think are cool, people who aren’t, the mix.

And I’m having to turn stuff down, which makes me feel bad. But then I wonder when the fuck I’m going to finally get around to all the things I’ve been wanting to do for so long. And when will I just get some goddamn alone time? Every time the phone rings, I cringe, because I know it’s some well wisher trying to help out, and all i want to do is be quiet and deal with my shit.

I know people are trying to show me the love, which is really special, and I honestly love the attention, it makes me feel great! But I’m feeling a little strangled. Not by any one person, but by the wave of people. On Friday, I literally could not work because so many people called me. I got one about someone coming to visit, two invitations to Artscape, one from J about his visit, a call from K about her house, a call with someone about dinner on Sunday night, and incessant emails from Z and R about Saturday night planning. Then I skyped with M off and on all day. PLUS there were clients and printers calling!

So then I went to Artscape, and messed around with K’s booth, and of course our close friends are there. They are all not sure how to deal with me. Everyone is giving me a searching look, and then looking a little confused when I’m cheerful. A couple people didn’t know about the breakup yet, so that was also awkward. Sometimes I feel like I’m dropping a big old stink bomb, or telling someone that their dog is dead. And of course, there’s the requisite: “let’s get together, have a drink,” or “If you’re bored, you know you can just call me.” Seriously, I am never ever bored. I would enjoy being bored a little. If I grabbed a drink with everyone who offered that, I’d never stop drinking. And seriously, I’d rather be reading or sewing or swimming. Not talking. Sometimes I cynically think I should just send out a press release to save me from having to say things over and over and over again. Or even better, I wish I could tell everyone to leave me the heck alone for a little while without hurting anyone’s feelings.

In direct contrast to that feeling, I had a great convo with L+D. They wanted to really get down and chat about everything, which was lovely, I really enjoyed it because I felt like they actually wanted to hear, and since they had long since gotten the cliffs notes version, I could tell them something deeper. They are looking to buy a house, and want to do a veggie garden in the yard that we can all help with and enjoy. I love that idea, it would be amazing to actually make it happen. The end of the day glass of wine in the garden would be so sweet!

Anyway, then J finally shows up around 10:30 and I spend an exhausting end of the evening in a ridiculous bar downtown, trying to be diplomatic about how much I hated the location. His friends are great tho- B and I made fun of all the drunks and the fact that they loved a bar where you couldn’t hear anyone, and teased J about his ego. Of course J kicked ass in pool so made us both somewhat impressed that his rhetoric actually matched his delivery. (Note: J if you’re reading this, you’re making me very self conscious!)

This morning I went to the market, but of course I had to have Z’s company. He’s not bad, but a little early and when I was feeling really quiet and slow. Then the minute I manage to get him to go home so I can do laundry and start to get that horrible dust smell out of the house, Mary calls to see if I want to do lunch. And she finishes the call with a “see, now I’ve done it, I’ve reached out, now you have to do that with me.” That was a little too much pressure there, after all the other people’s well wishings, etc.

So, in the meantime, every thing around the house is harder, because now I have to do it all, and there’s no one to talk it over with. No one to plan the schedule and prioritize the list with. It’s all in my head and I forget things and then take way longer to do the things I do end up doing… And when I just try to pick up and straighten things, that seems to take up all my time. I’m always seeing something out of place. And then I forget something crucial like- LOCKING THE FRONT GODDAMN DOOR, OR THE CAR. And then I’m mad at myself.

J, if you’ve read this and you’ve gotten this far, god love ya. Because this is probably really boring. It’s stream of consciousness and it’s about as un-edited as it gets.

I just called M bawling my damn eyes out, and goddamn it if she didn’t manage to stop me from crying and then get me to laugh in about 3 minutes flat.

I do love that girl, I really do.

Everything is just so fucking up in the air now, we’re still co-dependent, neither one of us has an identity without the other yet. Maybe that’s the source of this discomfort, this plum pit.

Okay it’s 2am. I’m going to sleep.