Quiet

Today was just…. busy. Work is keeping me hustling, and I stayed there for an hour or so later than usual. Then I went to the grocery store and to the gym. I made a nice dinner then read a magazine, and now I’m in bed by midnight.

It’s weird but it’s also like a small M vacation in a way… it’s not feeling real yet.

Today she skyped me and was crying. Lonely, sad about what we’ve done. Her brother broke up with his boyfriend too this week, and they were commiserating. I felt bad… but also… like I wanted her to not bother me. Sounds terrible, but… I just think that all this talking is getting a little excessive. And hurting us a little more than necessary. It took us 6 long months to actually go ahead and break up, and now we’re on the phone or skyping for hours each day.

I don’t really think I know how I want things to be, actually. I mean, if she was not around, I would be a lot more lonely. The world is just so quiet without her in it. And that’s both a good thing and a bad thing. Or I could say its both a good thing and a sad thing.

I’m definitely worried that I’m going to start seeing the world like I used to: A world of couples, with me floating on the outside waiting for my life to begin. I was so freaked out by this depressing idea for awhile that I couldn’t go grocery shopping by myself, it made me too sad.

Jeez. What a mess I used to be.

Sarah, my acupuncturist, says that I can’t revert, that’s not how the process of time works. You gather experiences, and you can’t just shed them when they’re not relevant/current/active/whatever anymore.

This is what I would like to believe, but I also have this idea about neural pathways being like actual pathways… the more you use them, the deeper the groove, and the tougher it becomes to think along new pathways. So people who have a tendency towards depression tend to have rougher and rougher depressions, not easier ones. Since you fall back into your old patterns.

Now- I know this is not me right now. I am pretty damn good right now. I’m cheerful mostly, I’m healthy mostly, and I am still pretty social.

But I worry, you know?

What if someone does something mean to me, and I think it’s because I deserve it?

What if I do something really dumb- it wouldn’t be the first time- and I start to think I’m a dumb shit again?

What if I do something just lame… a lot of lame things in a row….. and start to think I’m a social retard again?

M can help me from afar a little bit, I guess. She’ll keep me from going too far off the deep end.

I’m still scared.

I’m even afraid of my own boredom or loneliness. It makes me do desperate things. I hate myself desperate. Not not not cool calm and collected. Try harried, nervous and not funny.

I mean, I guess, that for years I could hide behind M if I was harried nervous or not funny. I could just watch and let her talk. Or if I was feeling good, I could jump on in. If one of us was off their game, we could just go home- the couple who wants to be alone.

Now I’m going to have to be the single who wants to be alone. I’m going to have to be confident and strong enough to sense BS on my own and leave if I’m not happy or uncomfortable or feel sleepy or whatever. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

I have piles of things I want to do now that I can, and I’m just hoping that those things are going to be the saving grace, the floater I hold onto to keep my confidence buoyed, and ride on until I can find the life I’ve been creating in my head.

Tired, off to read myself to sleep,